An Old Post, an Old Joke

When Moses returned from the mountain, Aaron received his brother with great joy.

"My dearest brother, I am so excited for your return. While you were busy praying in the mountains, I also wanted to show my devotion to Yaweh! Everybody agreed that your inspiring trip up the mountain was inspiration for us to give of ourselves! We all sacrificed some of our wealth, and I used it to craft this statue of one of God's greatest gifts, the calves. I thought it was a good way to show our appreciation for what he has provided us. Hey, what's that in your hands? Did you make a gift for God too?"

Aaron, in his loving joy, did not notice the look of self-righteous anger growing on Moses's face. Without a word, Moses threw the tablets to the floor and ground them into dust.

"Now, brother, why would you do that? I'm sure that God loves all our devotion."

But Moses knew the truth, that their God was a God of hate. So he stormed to Aaron's bull and destroyed it on the spot, making sure that not a trace of the love or craftsmanship remained. But Moses knew it was not enough to simply destroy the calf, Aaron and the Israelites had to be punished for breaking a rule they had not yet been given. So, Moses made the people drink rancid gold dust water for reasons that are extremely unclear. Never let it be mistaken that Moses was a merciful prophet, for this was only the start of his mad spree. Moses ordered his people to go on an indiscriminate killing spree, slaughtering women and children alike.

Moses, with his black heart, knew that death was too great a mercy for his brother Aaron. No, nothing less than torture and mockery would be appropriate for a man who dared attempt to show him up. And, so Moses set to scheming, producing the cruelest irony he could imagine.

"So, wait, brother. Let me get this straight. That handful of rocks that you brought was actually a set of rules from God? And it specifically said we're not allowed to create ornate and elaborate tributes to him and that's why everyone had to die?"

"Correct."

"But you destroyed it and all proof of this anyway, meaning we have to rely entirely on your word?"

"Correct."

"And despite the aforementioned rule against elaborate and ornate idolatry, I have to create an extremely elaborate and ornate box that costs more than 40 golden calves?"

"Correct."

"...to carry around your rock dust? And if I don't, I'll be put to death, written out of god's book, and labeled a heretic?"

"Correct."